The Friend Illusion

There were many odd experiences and thoughts I had over the years which I either assumed everyone felt — or if I was feeling low that it was just me. I’d usually try and discount the latter because as one of eight billion people I was fully aware I was statistically insignificant and nothing special. Either positively or negatively.

Of course since my diagnosis a third and more obvious explanation presented itself. If it wasn’t a common experience (which I could usually tell if I got odd looks when trying to talk about it) then it was probably an autistic thing. Some of these were textbook, things that might even be used as diagnostic criteria; others were not on any official list of indicators but nevertheless hauntingly familiar to almost everyone in the room when I was meeting up with other autistics.

I’ve just thought of another one; something which has been bothering me for years. It’s only now that I realise that they were doing a neurotypical thing all along and that I’ve only just got it.

This is going back a few years, back to the Before Times when we all used to sit in offices; often open plan ones. Sometimes there would be a reorganisation and we’d all have to move rooms or even buildings. Often as a result we’d end up sitting next to someone we didn’t really know. 

It was quite a simple thing really. The person I ended up next to would offer to make me cups of tea, and I’d reciprocate and start to think “ooh maybe this is a new friend!” Then there’d be another reorganisation so we weren’t sitting next to each other any more and they’d suddenly not be remotely interested in me any more, barely even saying hello.

“What did I do?” I’d think.

Then years later it struck me. This was clearly a neurotypical thing. It wasn’t a sudden lack of interest after another round of musical chairs after all — the lack of interest had been there all along —  but what I interpreted as “pretending to be friendly”.

Of course from their perspective they actually were being friendly. The problem lay in the differences between what they thought of as friendly and what I interpreted friendly to mean. I have been told I come across as aloof or antisocial. But it’s not that really. Having to consciously navigate social interactions makes me more sparing with amiability. I’m not good at the social glue side of it.

This is partly because if I’m at all unsure abiout a situation I err on the side of caution as there’s nothing quite as irritating as the constant attention of someone you don’t like (or even are indifferent to). I don’t want to become That Person. Unfortunately this means I inadvertently become That Other Person (the unfriendly one).

It’s a minefield I tell you.